We took them to their orientations tonight. What a zoo. Four kids’ orientations- with only 2 sessions to choose to attend.

All four of them have brand new teachers we’d never had experiences with. A little nervous about that, but they all seemed like GREAT teachers. We will see I guess.

For the 2 sessions, we ended up dropping off Christopher, Lexie, and River at Lexie’s class to attend her session so he could learn how they would be doing… and I took the other three to try to slam thru all three classrooms and get alla the paperwork done.

The only good thing about it was the ice cream afterwards.

I’m so nervous about Ian attending another school year with a different teacher. It seems just when we get something working with his teacher, the end of the school year is here- and then we have to wash, rinse, and repeat. *sigh They have a new behavior program this year as well. This too has me concerned. I guess we will see. He really has to be good though, because they WILL kick him out. We aren’t in district, so it’s a privilege to be able to attend their school in the first place.

Reagan was happy with her teacher, she told me she got the best one of the lot… and she seemed very pleased with the things they will be doing this year. I need to email her teacher about some of the curriculum, but other than that- I hope that it goes smoothly for her. This is her LAST YEAR as a elementary student. Did I mention saying that suddenly made like 10 more gray hairs pop up?

Maddie’s teacher is new from a different state, and this is her first year at the school. THIS MAKES ME SO NERVOUS!! Hopefully Maddie will be able to roll with it. She’s really young, so she sometimes struggles to keep up with her older classmates.

I think I purposely took the older three while Lexie stayed with her dad because I’m sorta in denial that she’s going to be in Kindergarten. And FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THIS FAMILY- ALL DAY KINDERGARTEN!!

This scares the bejeezus outta me, since she’s never away from me or her father for more than a couple hours at a time. And now she’s going to be gone from 9am til almost 4pm. I just hope she adjusts quickly and doesn’t have too many seperation anxiety issues. She really is attached to her Daddy. I’m scared on the days that she goes to school and he has to leave when she gets home that she might take it really hard.

PLEASE LET HER DO WELL

I’m so worried about her I’m starting to cry. She’s so little. All day kindergarten seems so hard for her. She still takes naps. She isn’t used to being away that long. I’m not used to her being away that long. Hopefully I miss her more than she misses us. My little girl is growing up.

My Little River is going to be home all alone with Mommy all day. I don’t know what we will do without alla the noise around us. He’s going to be lost. Poor kid never gets to sleep cuz someone’s always waking him up. He’s getting so big. He says all sorts of fun things (including the swear words we occasionally blurt out right in front of him). I swear I just blinked and he was twice as big. Where did my itty bitty go?

Where did ALL of my itty bitties go?

Yeah Yeah… I know….

everyone else in the whole world owns a push up bra. They aren’t new news.

But me?

Me?

Well… I ABSOLUTELY thought it was RIDICULOUS to wear a push up bra when I had a solid D cup. I used to chastise Victorias Secret for selling padded bras in D Cups. I don’t need padding… I already have enough, thanks.

I’ve NEVER had cleavage though. Iunno what it is, I’ve just never found a bra to moosh my boobs together enough to give me cleavage. I never really thought about it til the last couple of years. Some of my friends who had B cups had more cleavage than I did. I must be broken or something. My boobs don’t moosh.

So the other day I was at WalMart, and I was walking thru the women’s section, I don’t know why- it’s just always a habit. And I saw this SUPER CUTE flourescent pink bra. A Push Up Bra. So, apprehensive, I picked it up. Felt the cup, made sure it wasn’t like 9 miles thick of padding. Doubted myself for a second, second guessed why I even picked it up in the first place…

BUT IT’S PINK- AND CUTE!!

So I put it in the cart. But then I pulled it right back out. Do I really want this? It’s padded for gawds sake. I DO NOT need a padded bra. I’m a solid C cup now. That’s more than plenty. Why do I need padding? Do I really want this? I’ve never owned a padded bra in my adult life. I owned plenty when I was 13, trying to look like I was 17 LOL!! But never a push up bra, and never in my adult life.

BUT IT’S CHEAP!! AND PINK!!!

So I put it back into my cart. During the course of the rest of my trip in the store, I constantly kept looking down at the two pink padded bumps bouncing around in my cart. I kept trying to think of reasons why I should put it back. Did I really need another bra? The answer was yes. I’d not bought a new one since I before I was pregnant with River. I usually buy all of my bras at Lane Bryant, so they stand up really well- but it was just the point. I had all sorts of doubts.

When it was time to check out, it was the last thing I put up on the rolling belt. Maybe my total will just be too high I could justify putting this bra back because I just don’t want to spend that much money. I looked at the running total, and back at my empty cart with two pink bumps in it… and I grabbed it and threw it up there.

While I was driving home, I was kinda excited to go show Christopher my new bra. When I got home I rushed into the bedroom and put it on.

OH
MY
GAWD!!

Seriously, why did I wait this long to buy one? WOW!! Seriously, it was a miracle in a yard of spandex and cotton.

WOW!!

Talk about renewing my sex life and making me feel totally more confident in whatever I want to wear!!!

I feel like a perky teenager again. I can’t believe I waited this long. It’s amazing how two little padded bumps with straps can basically fix what having five kids has done to my body LOL.

And now I have a cute little black one with pink hearts as well. Life is good. You should see the way my husband smiles at me now

And here I thought WalMart was evil.

So yeah… I’ve been drawing again.

It’s been almost a year since I drew. It’s so nice to feel creative again. It’s such a stress reliever, and brings so much joy into my life. I think it was also born a little outta the fact that I realized how many “Jess” or “Jessica” tags I DID NOT have, and how much I really want to be able to build my collection up without breaking my bank.

Here’s My New Character, BlueBearie, and some of the new tags I’ve made with him:

…..…..

…..…..

…..

I also made some sister taggies, and I just HAD to make a tag for River since his Bday was on the 2nd. We didn’t get to celebrate yet because the kids were all off elsewhere. (Speaking of which, Superdad brought Ian back with him today this afternoon- Made me kinda wonder what he did or if they finally just got sick of him being there. Though it sounds like he was INCREDIBLY helpful while he was there. He even mowed their lawn. Why can’t *I* get that sort of help? He sounds like he really had a good time over there though.) So we will probably celebrate River’s Bday on Wednesday. That’s Christopher’s next day off. I’m so sad my baby finally really isn’t a baby anymore.

Did I mention he pottied 4 or 5 times before his 2nd Bday? YOU KNOW HOW PROUD I AM?? How many kids do you know that willingly go potty that early? He knows how to do both, though he prefers to pee all over the floor in my living room to pottying in the bathroom where he should be. We will have to keep working on that :/

So yeah. Bdays, Graphics, Pottied, Graphics, oh… and Christopher quit smoking.

Wish. Us. Luck.

In the meanwhile, watch www.daydreams.dangerspalace.com for the new characters and lots more tags. I’ve already made new stuff for www.doodles.dangerspalace.com as well.

so Ian comes up to me the other day while I was cooking dinner and says, “Mom, I wanna stay for a week at Brian and Sarah’s.” My initial response was, “ummm probably not.”

Rewind:

Brian and Sarah are Superdad’s best friends. When River was born, Superdad took the kids over there for daycare because I told him this time around he actually HAD to take them. When Lexie was born, he piddled around and didn’t have time to take his own damn kids while I laid up in the hospital. Christopher didn’t get to spend those first days with Lexie because he was busy toting three kids (who weren’t even his) here and there and everywhere so they could have a place to stay. When we had River, I made it very clear to Superdad that he WOULD be taking the kids when I was in the hospital. I didn’t care how he had to make it work.

So, he sent them to his best friend’s house.

I cringed, but couldn’t really do anything about it. His best friend’s wife is a biblebanger and very preachy. She’s a cross between Martha Stewart and those 7th day Adventist’s that come by your door and stick their foot in so you can’t shut it. She doesn’t take no for an answer when it comes to religion. Which honestly, would be fine by me, if she wasn’t trying to shove it down my kids’ throats.

I can’t even remember if I blogged about this already or not LOL. And I’m too lazy to look it up. So I apologize if you’ve heard this story already.

After I got them back from their daycare stay, we were getting ready to eat dinner. Reagan took a bite, and horrified, she spit it out on her plate. I was like WTH?? And she immediately says, “OMG you guys, we didn’t say grace!!” Maddie and Ian gasped in unison.

Superdad’s best friends told my kids if they don’t say grace for dinner they will light on fire and burn in hell. They insist that they didn’t, that their son must have said it. My reply to that is that their son musta got it from somewhere, so it still doesnt matter to me if they said it to my child, or their own. Children just don’t get images of lighting on fire and burning in hell from their own thoughts.

Soooooo, when Ian asked to go over there, my first thought was over my dead fucking body. I just imagined alla that deprogramming I’d have to do after he got back home.

Maddie and Reagan run in the kitchen when I said no, and all three of them chime together, “Well daddy says you don’t really have a choice in the matter, that he’s sending Ian out there whether you like it or not.”

Oh he did, did he?

I was immediately put off that Superdad would say something like that to the kids. I don’t say shit like that about him, and I expect the same courtesy.

So basically, he’s went behind my back even though I’m the primary caretaker and the custodial parent, and decided he’s going to make week-long plans without even discussing it with me. I’m totally annoyed.

When he came the next day to pick up the kids, they all ran out to his car screaming, “Momma said Ian can’t go to Brian and Sarah’s house.”

I just shook my head.

“Yeah, the kids told me I didn’t have any choice in the matter, that you were sending him whether I liked it or not.” I rolled my eyes.

he smirked, “Yeah… I meant to mention it to you.” You could tell he was embarrassed the kids tattled on him. “Their son is surrounded by his sisters, and they invited Ian out to have some time together with him.”

Well, after hearing THAT rationale, I kinda woulda looked stupid to say no. Ian is in that same very position, and begs for time with other boys. I told Superdad I didn’t mind if he went over there I guess, but he could tell I was not very happy he was talking to the kids like that.

A couple days later, Superdad calls and leaves a message, “Hey, when you send Ian to Brian’s, make sure that you send some grubby clothes, because they are going to be killing chickens.”

EXCUSE ME?

KILLING CHICKENS??

OVER MY DEAD BODY!!

I called him back and told him I had an issue with him killing chickens

“Well what do you have a problem with?”
“Umm the killing chickens part.”
“Well I don’t see the problem.”
“Whatever happened to ghost stories and pillow fights for sleepovers. Who really decides that they are going to invite a city boy over for the weekend and ‘hey, lets really show him farm life, and slaughter some chickens with him.’ I mean wow, seriously? That’s a bit harsh.”
“I wouldn’t send him out there if I was worried about him. Brian and Sarah will take really good care of him.”
“He’s a city boy. He doesn’t understand these things. He’s not prepared for something like that and it could impact him greatly. And he already mistreats animals. He stomped on that goldfish at your house, and sometimes he’s really mean to my cats. I could just see him going to kill chickens and thinking it’s okay to kill anything now.”
“Yeah, I can see your point. I will call them and talk to them about it.” I could tell he was really annoyed.
“I’d appreciate it.”

He calls me back later, and he’s even more annoyed with the fact that my stance on killing chickens has NOT changed. This time though, he wasn’t so nice about it.

“I really do think you are overrreacting.”
“I don’t. I don’t like the idea that you said send him in grubby clothes, like he will have to wear grubby clothes because HE is going to be the one holding the chicken down while someone swings the axe. I just really disagree with that. What if it traumatizes him? You can’t erase that image from his head. I just don’t agree with that.”
“Well I guess I can tell Sarah to keep him inside while everyone else goes down.”
“That’s not going to work. Then he’s going to be upset that everyone else is going and not him. Then that makes ME the bad guy.”
“Do you want me to give him the option of whether to go or not?”
“No. What if he decides he wants to, and then he’s really traumatized by it. I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to go at all.”
“He’s almost 10 years old. He’s not a baby anymore. You are treating him like a baby. He is old enough to make his own decisions.”
“Yeah, well 10 year olds also wanna watch Alien vs Predator, but then after they do who has to deal with them having nightmare’s in the middle of the night. That’s right. Me. Just because a child wants cake for breakfast, doesn’t mean they know what’s in the best interest for them.”
“What the hell do you want then? FINE, *I* will be the bad guy. I will have them tell them *I* said he couldn’t go.”
“I don’t want that either, he’s going to be upset then. I don’t want him to be upset because he’s excluded.”
“What?? What DO you want then?”
“I’m not trying to ruin his fun, I just don’t agree with sending a city boy who already has issues with how to treat animals, out to slaughter chickens.”
“Well maybe helping kill the chickens will be a good thing for him. Maybe he can get some of his anger issues out.”

I know he did NOT just imply that killing chickens could be good therapy for my angry child? Who in their right mind would use murder as an okay reason to relieve some frustration??

“Umm WHAT?? That’s not okay. ‘Hey Ian, yer angry, how bout you go swing an axe at some nearby animals’ I could see the huge can of worms that would open up.”
“It’s not like he’s really going to do that. And Brian and Sarah will walk him thru the process. It’s not like they aren’t gonna explain to him why they are killing the chickens.”
“I’m sorry, I still really disagree. Do you seriously NOT have any issues whatsoever with your 9 year old son going to kill chickens and having that image of chickens running around headless, gushing blood everywhere? He won’t be able to forget that.”
“You are way too overprotective. This is stupid. I can’t believe yer making such a big deal out of this.”
“Would you rather me NOT be overprotective and be like, ‘Yeah, sure, kill some chickens, and while yer at it, get any cats you see on the way as well.’ I mean seriously, at least I AM protective. He’s only a child once. Why not protect his innocence. He has his whole life to have disturbing images ingrained into his brain.”

Somewhere between Cats and Brain, he’d hung up.

WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

He called me back a few hours later and said he fixed it; They would kill chickens NEXT Week.

So, Fast Forward, and they just picked Ian up to go out to the farm with them. They were all smiles, and it was so fake (we used to be friends once upon a time). He asked me if I had any issues with Ian and horses or anything? And I could tell it was because of the chickens. I said no. Then the kids started talking about Kung Fu Panda, and he asked me if I had any issues with Kung Fu Panda. I told him of course not, but I DID have an issues with chickens. I cringed. Brian and Sarah both shook their heads and acknowledged that they WOULDN’T be killing chickens this weekend. And they apologized for Superdad making it sound like it was dire that it needed to be done this week. That it really wasn’t that important. Brian said that they were as big as they were going to get, and the only difference between this week and next would be that they would have to feed them a bit more. He even joked with me that they were gonna feed them corn this week to fatten them up a bit. I think I even saw him drool as he was talking about it ROFL.

I have to admit. Fresh chicken sounds incredibly yummy. I just don’t want my son to be part of the slaughter.

I’ve never been one to text. I think it’s annoying, and I’d rather just talk to a person. Especially if you don’t have a keyboard on yer phone, T-9 or whatever is really freaking annoying.

But with our new phones, we’ve kinda embraced texting. I reluctantly moved forward to the text generation, but now I kinda like it. It’s kinda nice to be able send Christopher a simple I love you while he’s at work, or whatever.

I saved this series of texts though cuz it was really funny. It came during a particularly frustrating couple of weeks we were having, and I was always bitchy, and he was bitchy because I was bitchy, and life just sorta sucked. Right before this text, Christopher was headed to work and we’d gotten into a stupid argument over something petty. So petty I don’t even remember.

I just had to share though. The end of it just cracks me up

July 6th, 2008

CHRIS: No because I will probably mess things up again
ME: Shush you- you wanna take me on a date?
CHRIS: LOL you know this is chris right
ME: OMG you crack me up, who else would it be?
ME: So I am serious, you wanna take me on a date?
CHRIS: LOL Where
ME: Dinner and a movie or something. Something a bir more formal than *local crappy restaurant that’s a lot like Denny’s*.
CHRIS: OK what’s going on?
ME: Nothing, does there really have to be a reason?
CHRIS: I don’t know but it’s all outta the blue
CHRIS: When did you wanna go
CHRIS: You get more crazy everyday
CHRIS: You seem weird
CHRIS: Cuz one minute you hate my guts then you want me to take you on a date
ME: I just miss the old us.
CHRIS: LOL the old us never went any where either
ME: We used to at least once in awhile. I just want to see your sexy body in something besides a workshirt.
CHRIS: You do all the time
ME: Unless yer on top of me, out of your shirt in bed doesn’t count
CHRIS: I’m confused still
ME: What is to be confused about?
CHRIS: Nevermind
ME: Dinner. Flirting. Movie. Flirting. Drinks maybe. More flirting. Home. *you know* Sounds like a good time to me.
CHRIS: It just seems like a really sudden change in attitude
ME: Roll with it?
CHRIS: LOL what kind of catastrophic news do you have for me o.0
ME: Umm, I’m Pregnant?
CHRIS: Umm not funny
ME: LOL ok

LOLOLOLOL!! And no… I’m NOT pregnant. Bite your tongues for even thinking it might be right

Donna (from My Pretty Pixels) and I finally got to meet. We’ve known each other since I first started pixelling, and joined The Pixel Mall a million years ago. She’s one of my closest friends online, and I’d probably say one of my best friends I’ve ever had. She offers great advice, she’s there when I need to talk, and she’s great to hang out with when I just wanna chill.

She drove with her RV down from Canada (it’s a 17 hour drive that took her three days) with her three kids to come visit us for a week. She brought her RV and we camped out there with her. It was a blast, and we did so many awesome things.

Here’s alla the kiddos together:
(more…

Not only does my husband have a best friend named Steve (and his Step-father as well), but I also have a good friend (and ex-boyfriend) named Steve as well. We’ve known all three since our childhood. We call them all by their last named in our house so that we don’t get them all confused.

My Steve was my first real relationship. After Jason, who was puppy love. Steve and I were together for 13 mos. (which is forever and eternity for a 15 year old). I remember I never had bus money, and my mom would never pick me up. I walked home a lot from school even though it was several miles away. Steve opted out of the bus, just to walk me home. He and his best friend escorted me home, while we sorta mindlessly flirted with one another. When we got to my house it turned sort of awkward. I didn’t want him to leave, and I could tell he didn’t want to leave. My parents didn’t allow company inside, and he really had no reason or excuse to stay. I took him in the backyard to talk some more, and I leaned in and made the first move. First kisses are amazing. Your heart is all fluttery, your stomach in knots. Later he told me I was the first girl ever to make the first move on him.

During our year long relationship, we survived being in two different highschool cliques, him being on house arrest (yeah, I liked the badboys, who didn’t at one point in their life?), and we even survived my moving out of town. An hour away is a long time for someone who doesn’t own a car. I ran up $200 phonebills, and sent him love letters in the mail. I remember once I courted him anonymously thru mail, and then pretended to wonder who the other woman was who was sending my boyfriend lovenotes. I was truly in love. Or as in love as a 15 year old can be.

On our one year anniversary, I came in town to be with him, but he stood me up because he forgot or he just didn’t care- he was out with other friends. I don’t exactly remember what had happened. I just remember it hurt my feelings because I felt like he didn’t take our relationship seriously. To be fair, in the beginning, I probably loved him more than he loved me, and I’m sure I put a lot of pressure on him to love me back just as much. He was a ladies man, and liked to spread his love around, though he never admitted that til many years later. We were never given the opportunity to sleep together. I always wonder what would have happened if we did.
(more…

I forgot to write about this way back when it happened… and wanted it written down for when my dear baby, River grows up, and contests, “I did NO SUCH THING…”

River throws fits all of the time when he doesn’t get his way. He gets really mad, starts screaming, flings himself backwards, and almost ALWAYS bangs his head on the floor. Then he looks at you in total disgust like YOU are the reason he got hurt.

One day a couple months ago, I was laying in bed trying to take a nap. I had River in my bedroom with me, trying to get him to take a nap as well.

Well, when River sees ANYONE lay down it automatically means it’s time to jump all over them as if he’s in a wrestling match for his life. He doesn’t let up, and it’s really annoying when yer trying to sleep. But then when you hear him giggle cuz he’s just having a blast, it’s so hard to be angry.

Except for this day.

I was sooooooooooo tired, I was begging and pleading with him to stop. I finally got angry and firmly told him to knock it off. He flung himself backwards like he always does, and THIS TIME, he headbutted me right in my cheekbone, under my left eye. I felt like a freight train ran over my head. I must have screamed out in pain, because ALL of the other kiddos ran into my room to see what happened. I told them all to get.him.out.of.my.room.RIGHT.NOW!!!!!!

They took him out, and then I blacked out. I woke up three hours later.

He hit me so hard I passed out. I’ve NEVER EVER had a kid knock me out before. I guess there’s always a first time for everything.

FYI, the next day I woke up with a black eye that stayed with me for about a week

Ever had something crazy like that happen to you?

lies a truly beautiful girl.

It seems every time the kids talk about Grandma, they do so by asking if she’s passed away yet. Every time they ask about her, I start to cry. Every. Single. Time. The grocery store, in the kitchen. On the way to school. I always cry.

Today we were in the kitchen making dinner and I was doing the dishes between stirring and such. Reagan asked me how Great Grandma was. If she was still sick.

“Baby, she’s never going to get better,” I said, very meekly.
“Never?” she asked.
“Never.”
“I wish I could be grandma,” she said, nonchalantly.

I was shocked. Why in the hell would she want to be bedridden, and feel awful every single moment of every single breath she took.

“No you don’t, baby, Grandma hurts all of the time.”
“Well, if I was Great Grandma, and she was me. She could be free again. She could get up and walk again. She could have fun again. I couldn’t imagine laying in a bed for four years (an exaggeration on her part, but I was totally feeling her at this moment), and never being able to have the freedom to get up and walk away. I want to be Great Grandma so she can be free again.”

Huge giant tears welled up in my eyes (and again are flowing down my cheeks as I type this). Not only did I cry because it sucks losing this wonderful woman in my life, but because maybe, just maybe, I’m helping raise another wonderful woman. The compassion she showed by saying the things she just said, made me love her even more than I already had. It’s moments like these that make all of the moments of drama and tween angst worth it.

On a similar subject, I called my Grandma on mother’s day. she could barely hear me on the phone. She apologized to me for having made me go pick flowers in the snow. I was forewarned she was floating from here and there because my mom had mentioned her saying something about me picking flowers in the snow as well. I told Grandma I loved her, but she couldn’t hear me. I was outside on the phone, almost yelling so she could hear me… and I could hear her fumbling with the phone on the other end.

“-insert name here-, why can’t I hear you, -insert name here- ? Did I lose you, honey? Are you there…. this Dang nabit phone… and these PEOPLE, they just won’t leave me alone…. Are you there? I can’t hear you, -insert name here- .”

I finally yelled very loudly that I loved her, and she heard me.

“I love you very much, -insert name here- .”

Selfishly I felt like my conversation could end. I told her I loved her, and the woman I always looked to for advice confirmed to me that she did indeed love me still. Stupid, I know… but you don’t even understand how much I long to have a real conversation for her again. I’d trade her health for almost anything in the whole world.

I told her I had to go. Listening to her recant about me being in the snow was just too hard to take. I wanted so badly to talk to her about everything that had been going on… but she just isn’t on the same page anymore. A simple I love you was good enough.